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Recommendation | Ask Damon: Am I homophobic as a result of I believe my homosexual in-law is impolite?

Recommendation | Ask Damon: Am I homophobic as a result of I believe my homosexual in-law is impolite?


Hello Damon: My brother is getting married and my new sister-in-law requested me to be within the marriage ceremony celebration. The opposite individuals on her facet are a cousin, a couple of mates, and her brother “Charlie.” I’m uncomfortable saying this, however Charlie is a stereotypical homosexual man. After we all went purchasing for coordinating apparel, I attempted on a costume and he instantly stated “Oh honey no, I refuse to be in a photograph with you in that costume.” I felt self-conscious making an attempt on attire round Charlie.

I additionally really feel uncomfortable with how he makes use of language used to deliver ladies down, like “witch” with a b and “slut.” The opposite bridesmaids discover him charming and pleasant; they’ve even stated that they’re so glad there’s “a homosexual” within the marriage ceremony. I by no means considered myself as such a stick within the mud till now, however I simply don’t click on with him.

Beside this marriage ceremony, I’m going to see Charlie lots as our households come collectively so I’m going to must be taught to take care of him. Do I simply ignore it when he talks bluntly about weight? Let it go when he calls me a witch? Or is there a manner I can ask him to verify it somewhat with out coming throughout as a homophobe?

Bridesmaid: So, let’s simply get this out of the best way: I’d fear much less, if I have been you, about “coming throughout” as a homophobe and extra about “being a homophobe.” Since you are one.

Now, homophobia, like each different bias, exists on a spectrum. You have got your violent homophobes, who use excuses like faith, their idea of morality, or their difficult emotions about their very own sexuality, to perpetuate hate. Nothing out of your letter signifies I’m describing you.

Then there are individuals who maybe don’t carry any aware private animus towards queer individuals, however have internalized unfavorable and reductive stereotypes about them, and I believe that is the place you exist. To be clear, I’m not suggesting you will have some homophobic tendencies simply since you’re off-put by your soon-to-be brother-in-law’s conduct. As a substitute, I’m saying it’s since you imagine he’s performing like a “stereotypical homosexual man,” when there isn’t any such factor.

It feels … rudimentary to even sort this out, however not each homosexual man is like Nathan Lane in “The Birdcage.” Some are. Most aren’t. The conduct you will have an issue with isn’t “homosexual male” conduct. Out of your description, he’s a routine boundary-stepper who additionally simply occurs to be homosexual. You might be completely justified to inform him his language and his feedback about your style sense have offended you. This doesn’t must be an enormous manufacturing, both. Simply name him on the cellphone or invite him to espresso and speak to him.

And who is aware of? Perhaps this’ll be a bonding second for you two. It’s not unusual for individuals who’ve had underwhelming first impressions of one another to develop into shut after getting actual. However even when that’s not within the playing cards for you, it’s important to get previous this anachronistic stereotype, for the queer individuals you occur to satisfy, and on your personal well-being.



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