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HomeLifestyleRecommendation | Ask Amy: My ex-husband ignores me at household gatherings

Recommendation | Ask Amy: My ex-husband ignores me at household gatherings

Recommendation | Ask Amy: My ex-husband ignores me at household gatherings


Pricey Amy: My ex-husband and I had a tough, drawn-out divorce after 26 years of marriage, with eight years of unhappiness and 0 intercourse (the shortage of intercourse and the combating over cash had been on account of him, not me).

After the divorce I moved again to the Midwest, moved in with my pricey dad and mom and struggled to restart my profession, and have moved on with wholesome actions and friendships/relationships over the previous decade.

Our youngsters are all adults now, and the ex and I are introduced collectively extra typically due to births, weddings, and so on., however he continues to completely “ghost” me. He by no means greets me, by no means directs a phrase towards me and even appears to be like at me. My associates and daughter inform me: “Simply ignore him. He desires nothing to do with you.”

That is nonetheless hurtful to me in spite of everything this time. I nonetheless ship him birthday playing cards, emails and notes now and again. How do you advocate I cope with this?

Pricey Exed-Out: Ghosting is when somebody mainly ceases all contact.

Should you didn’t attain out to your ex with birthday playing cards and different messages, you wouldn’t really feel fairly so “ghosted,” as a result of each time you attain out, you’re triggering an expectation that your contact will encourage your ex to react or reply. You should cease.

Sure, this can be very impolite for him to be in your presence at a household occasion and to behave as in the event you don’t exist, however he doesn’t wish to have something to do with you, and he’s making an attempt mightily to not have something to do with you.

I recommend that you need to try and cordially share area with him throughout household occasions, greeting him verbally (if he doesn’t reply, that’s his downside) and behaving neutrally in any other case. In brief, sure — ignore him.

Pricey Amy: As a retired minister, I’m sometimes requested to guide funerals or weddings. Most pastors don’t cost a set payment for such companies however usually obtain an honorarium. Previously yr, I ready and led a number of funerals and a marriage. I obtained nothing for one of many funerals and fewer than $100 for the marriage.

Evaluating that “reward” to the 1000’s spent on venue, clothes, leisure, drinks and dinner, I couldn’t assist however really feel as if my work was completely unvalued. The quantity obtained didn’t even cowl my mileage!

After all, it doesn’t matter what the worth, I put my coronary heart into these companies of worship, however they demand laborious work and many time, and pastors do have bills. I cannot set a payment, as a result of I’m keen to serve these whose monetary sources are really restricted. Any solutions?

Puzzled: It appears to me that as a retired minister, you need to really cost for conducting a service. You might be primarily a pastor-for-hire, in a position to settle for or decline requests that come your means.

My principle is that most individuals merely have no idea if — or how — pastors are compensated for “additional” companies, and so they imagine it’s too awkward to inquire.

If you obtain that first inquiry, you need to state: “I cost XX to carry out a marriage service. This consists of conferences with the couple upfront of the ceremony, conducting the rehearsal, and the marriage ceremony itself.”

For a funeral, you may state: “I usually cost XX to carry out a funeral. Would this current a further hardship for you? If that’s the case, I’d be keen to scale back or waive my payment.”

Total, I’m suggesting that you simply merely be form and clear on the outset. You’d be doing households (and your self) a favor.

Pricey Amy: I’m responding to the query from “Baker” about supplying sugar- and gluten-free meals for a relative.

I used to be born with a medical situation which means I have to abide by a extremely restrictive food plan. Once I was a child, dietary restrictions had been unparalleled and barely talked about. My prolonged household believed that my mom and I made all of it as much as get consideration. At household gatherings, whereas my prolonged and instant household ate pie and goodies, I had a cup of water.

I by no means held any resentment towards them, however I all the time felt excluded. Other than some instances when my mom might make one thing particular for me, I all the time wished and hoped that others may make meals that I might get pleasure from together with everybody else.

Excluded: I can think about how this will need to have felt. As I mentioned to “Baker,” offering meals that her visitor might safely eat is the correct factor for a bunch to do.

©2022 by Amy Dickinson distributed by Tribune Content material Company



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